3 a.m. Gratitude

I have started this post twice now and then stopped myself, thinking derogatory things about the debatable wisdom of airing out my mind and soul in a public forum, at such an hour. But I am going to continue, because I think it deserves to be aired, these thoughts and words deserve to come out. Even if no one reads this- I write for myself anyway, not anybody else, so enough self-censorship.

I am grateful for my radiant health.
I am grateful for the abundance that exists, the plentitude of all things that flows through my life and nourishes and sustains us all.
I am grateful for my parent’s decision to give me life- although I’m sure they had their moments of questioning during the teen years, whether they made the right call I’m unspeakably humbled by the opportunity they gave to me.

My life is, for lack of a better term, fucking awesome. Seeing that sentence typed out so plainly is kind oif shocking to me, I guess because I didn’t really realize how good I have it until just the last few days. I mean I was aware that I am very blessed and fortunate, but the greatest gift of my life right now is the ability to just be happy. Not every single second, but a lot of the time. I feel happy, I smile deeply and truly and from my soul.

I should add then, I am grateful for my antidepressants. One year ago, before I started taking them, I was hospitalized at a mental institution. I actually had checked myself in there, not wanting to end my life but not feeling able to stop crying or “shake myself out of it”. A deep depression had come on and lasted several months, and in the end getting on medication has helped me sooo much. I hope I won’t always have to take it, but things are going so well now I don’t want to stop.

(Woah super random… naked people walking through the kitchen where I’m typing!)

I’m grateful for being in a kitchen where naked people come walking through at 3 a.m. I am grateful to have not just A roof, but several roofs (rooves?) over my head. And the option to have none at all if I choose. Ten years ago, the reality of jail time was extremely recent and after I got out, I was always aware and grateful for the tiniest things. Getting to walk barefoot in the grass- any grass! Being allowed to touch and sit beneath a tree- they don’t have those in jail. At least not the one I was at.

It is a delight to me now to sit here, free in body mind and soul… delight doesn’t even begin to cover the feeling. It’s like everything is tuned in to the same radio station, and if I set my antennas there as well I can manifest my dreams into “reality”.

I’m grateful for my past. It sucked at the time but it has made me into who I am now, this mix of bad bitch and zenned-out mystic. Oh and people tell me I’m an artist now. As a child I wanted to be an artist but was informed, I wouldn’t be able to make any money that way so there was no point in doing it. Well. That was just one more lie to throw on the heap this bullsh*t excuse for a culture told me. The struggle inside me catalyzed the changes I most needed to make within myself. The fear of imprisonment was a huge motivating factor in me changing my life around, and I had to really examine my patterns to plot a way out of the system. I realized I needed to develop discipline- not a word I grew up with, as in my family of origin we kids basically just did whatever we wanted 90% of the time and lied about it the other 10%. But as a teenager the lack of self-control nearly took me under, and that’s still something I keep a close eye on developing within myself. I need to constantly foster these qualities, like treasured plants within a garden patch.

“Babies from 80’s don’t know no no better, don’t nothin’ go better with ignorance but the beligerant children we livin’ with, some of them masculine, some of them feminine. ‘Member the universe used to be innocent? Now they just look at us crazy like immigrants… Every day that I wake up, I’m gon’ sin again, I’m not a citizen, I’m just a [star] from Section Eighty.”

-Kendrick Lamar, “His Evils”, Section 8.0

I was lamenting to a loved one that I feel out of touch with the music of today, listening almost exclusively to the one quoted above, and he reminded me – the music of the 90’s and 00’s is mine to have forever. So I went and reloaded my iPod with some deeper cuts I hadn’t pulled out in a while. Aaliyah, Arrested Development, Atmosphere, The New Radicals, Joss Stone. En Vogue. TLC. And once again, my heart and soul sang the melody of thankfulness, for “the bond that keeps the movement moving on,” this anomaly we call music.

Anyone else have thoughts on evolution after institutions? Where did you begin on your inner revolution? And what do you put on to cleanse your mental pollution?

🙂 namaste, comrades.

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One Comment

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  1. What an inspiring post – gratitude is so important. Especially gratitude of our dark pasts. I’ve never been in an institution but have been in alcohol recovery for the last ten years. I was reading about addiction the other day and the following bit stuck with me:

    “the dark past is the greatest possession you have – the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.”

    I think this is true for so many people. Talking about recovery, about transforming your life from whatever past you have experienced, can help others with the same problem. I think it’s incredibly courageous when I read honest and deep personal posts like this. I am full of admiration. And gratitude for having read it. Have a wonderful serene day.

    And as far as the 90s music goes, who needs Nicki Minaj when those Tori Amos tracks are still among the greatest music ever written? 😉

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