4:43 am August 12th

So here I am in Paradise. As before, the island has begun to “get to me”, as in I feel a pressure fluctuating but ever constant. The feeling seems to exist in my physical body as well as in my mind and soul. I think part of it is, I have not been getting enough exercise since I started this little vacation. That was the middle of June, up until which I had been utilizing a Planet Fitness membership once or twice a week in Metairie.

I miss New Orleans, and feel a pull to go back and really live there. I know I can make it in that city. It calls to me, and I have to ask myself: Why fight against the current? The scenery of Kauai is unrivaled, certainly, but beyond the physical forms of things, the visible forms, we need to consider the energetic quality of the in-visible shapes and forms that also make up our world.

If I am truly free to make my own decisions, I want to make the best ones possible. I yearn for effective action, to benefit all beings as much of the time as possible. As a yogini, I get to exist in that state a lot of the time. And as a woman, I am confused and conditioned, deep within my psyche, to have a distorted perception of myself. I guess that isn’t limited to gender- ultimately if one of us suffers, we all suffer. We must tie our own happiness to others’ happiness. I think that’s from T. Rinpoche. But it’s been said in so many languages, in cultural values and traditions that stretch way back in any of our ethnic backgrounds- All You Need Is Love.

I’m so grateful for the off-beat upbringing I had, because it exposed to me way too much, way too young. Everything that I’ve experienced in my life has brought me to this splendid moment. Being in San Jose in the 90’s, there was a lot of gang activity and it affected the school I attended because of course, that’s someone’s turf and things are going to happen. I was scared but I never let it show. I got along by trying to mimick or emulate the behaviors and attitudes of others. I learned to… fit in, sort of. People were already having sex when I was in 6th grade. In Colorado there were a lot of girls wearing makeup in 7th. As a teen and young adult, I struggled very hard against the system and ended up dropping out a few months into the 10th grade. But my fight started in Kindergarten. Although I remember having my first anxiety episode in preschool. It was brought on by a social situation involving “My Little Ponies”

Anyway I feel better after writing for a bit. Typing is a little tricky due to various sticky keys and mysterious greasy substances. The joys of simple, country living.

Also, a toad stared me down just now when I went outside to pee.

According to my Human Design, in this life I am built to see a lot of things and hear a lot of stories. I’m wired that way, with most of my talents and strong activations are within the realms of the unconscious. I can see myself on a porch, any porch, decades from now just spinning yarns of all the people I’ve knon and all the lessons I learned. This is a tribal energy, I believe its the 13-33. People tell me things about themselves, they give me these amazingly insightful jewels during the most mundane of interactions. I just bring it out naturally, I guess my body energy is charged with this vibration of “I’m listening!”

I also have the design to relay what I’ve learned, back to the community or individuals who need to hear it. I’m a vessel of songs. But since adolescence or maybe even earlier, my throat has been block. This is the cause of my oral fixations: eating disorders as a young girl, smoked my first cigarette at 12 years old. I have been smoking on and off (mostly on) since age 14 when I could buy them. That’s when I got my first job, and hence had money finally.

I think part of my conflict right now at 28 is trying to reconcile my views about money. I like it, it makes me happy when I get some, I have much less stress if I know I have some stashed away- these are all feelings that involve some type of pleasure. Add on to that the drone of “shopping culture” that drives us to the very act of trying to buy (or steal) something to cover up what we feel inside. To mask some imagined deficiency. Mix in a few violent, ideological colonizations and you’ve got a consumer.

When I feel secure in God/dess’ love, I do not worry as much about what to wear or if i combed my hair, shaved,etc. I choose clothes that are comfortable and pleasing to me- colorful sarongs and skirts, good walking shoes, huge floppy sunhat. Soft bras, no rigid shapes or binding garments. I only think of the glamorous life when I am confronted with messages of Babylon (TV , magazines, etc). Advertisements are insidious that way- one single passing glance, and your brain has stored that away forever. Look at something over and over again… it becomes part of your life.

Coca-Cola is a good example. It gives you headaches, diabetes, tooth decay, trouble sleeping, and it damages your internal organs all the way through your digestive tract. And it’s one of the most recognizable brands ever, meaning they’ve programmed their way into human machines to make us think we should BUY it and INGEST it. I was there, I drank at least a liter a day of diet Pepsi all through my late teens and early twenties, even while pregnant.

I realize this is super random. I feel better just typing. You understand, right?

This tendency of deviating from topic to topic- it has a special scientific name. Scientific. I am considering beginning a Biology Degree, maybe minor in Dance with a capital D. I haven’t told my mom yet, because I am afraid she will try to shoot me down. I don’t need other people to tell me what the fuck to do. I’m too strong now to succumb to old habits, I will evolve out of this and into something new.



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